Most of my young guy friends would say,“What are you some kind of girl or something,” if they heard me say how my heart leaps when I think of and see my son and wife. It’s a feeling of excitement, fear, tiredness, love, joy, jealousy-that-I’m-not-with-them, etc., all at once, and it’s made me finally understand why people say, “You don’t truly understand love until you’ve had a child.”
The sudden outburst of emotions that make me want to cry and laugh when I think about him. The sick feeling when he’s crying and I can’t help him. The excitement I feel when I’m coming home and get to play with him. The countless times I’ve been late to appointments because I get lost just playing with him.
After “batchin’ it” while Lauren and Leo were visiting family and friends in Texas [in April], I was left feeling confused. As with being a husband, so brings fatherhood a new me. I don’t think I’m the same person I was six months ago. I’m less of a man than I was, like a part of me is now contained in this fragile little form that is Leo.
When we first planned this trip for Lauren and Leo, I was excited cause I thought it would be a good chance to get some rest and get caught up on some work I needed to do. To the contrary, I found myself feeling lost, split, or not whole. Okay, so I don’t really know WHAT I felt, but it was uncomfortable and I was relieved when it was over.
As much as I enjoyed the quiet and freedom, I found I didn’t sleep as fully, cook as healthily, or laugh like I do when they’re around. This has lead me to a thought, “How did Jesus feel being separated from God?”
What agony must have been felt when He was on the cross and had the weight of my sin put on him. Though being absent from my wife and son for two weeks is nothing in comparison what Christ endured, I think I’m a little bit closer to understanding those drops of blood and sweat that He shed in the garden, just from thinking about the trial that was coming up.
So all this to say as I’m getting older, I’m realizing that the most precious thing I have on this earth is my family, not only those by blood, but those by the Spirit.
To my brothers and sisters in Christ I miss you, love you, and can’t wait to spend eternity with you in heaven. Amen?
Just some thoughts from a sanctified sinner,